During my latest wobble I lay in my bed, iPhone in hand and started Google’ing ‘How do you know you married the right person?’. Bonkers, right! Yes, I can say that now…
The first time I was out of my parents’ physical reach I was truly on my own. Aged 6. I was to become the survivor, the soldier, the toughie (his words). I was Daddy’s number 1 ‘son’. I was groomed to follow in his footsteps from that moment forward.
It is one week and 2 days since I started taking full spectrum CBD oil. What a shock though to be hit between the eyes with the reality of the ying and yang of ‘me’ and what is is like to live with ‘me’, what it is to love and depend on ‘me’…with and without CBD.
CPTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) is a nasty piece of work. Getting away to the countryside for half term with the children was a mental mission!
It’s is easy to feel lost with CPTSD. With triggers going off around me most of the time it is a constant and exhausting battle to keep the show on the road.
The dilemma is as follows: how to be a peaceful loving mother to your children when your mother was toxic, never gave love, abandoned you from a very young age, abused you?
Outside help and support for living with both ASD and CPTSD is vital for my mental well being, my marriage and relationships.
A sudden bombardment of triggers can take you down a rabbit hole without a rope! I had become overwhelmingly nostalgic for the small amount of positive stories from my childhood I have saved on my hard drive.Danger-zone.
School holidays give me perspective on life. Now I’m out the other side and husband is back at work, kids back to nursery/school, I miss everyone, the lovely togetherness and long for the weekends when we can all just BE. I don’t miss the hectic mess and lack of peace at home.
Why does living with CPTSD have to be either living in harmony (a state of being in agreement or concord) or living in horror (an intense feeling of fear, shock or disgust)?