During my latest wobble I lay in my bed, iPhone in hand and started Google’ing ‘How do you know you married the right person?’. Bonkers, right! Yes, I can say that now…
PTSD or CPTSD, it’s going to be the same for all us SURVIVORS. When you finally find a new job to give a part of your wonderful self to it’s going to be very hard not to overcompensate for the existence of the not-so-wonderful elements of your ‘Self’. Putting yourself into the highest gear you can physically tolerate to drive in the opposite direction of living with your PTSD will only cause your nervous system to splutter and come to a stop.
Not all women succumb to the calling of Mother Nature to find our mate for life and make babies. My friend and I did though, with bells and whistles. Maternal instinct and a need to make sure that our children never have to grow up with the same trauma we had to turns our lives inside out and upside down.
Sh*t… it’s f’ing hard. Not usually my beautiful public school education lingo, but it’s far from ‘jolly hockeysticks darlings’. For the 8th morning in a row, my little 4 year old boy was afraid, scared, terrified about going to school.
What do you other mums or dads feel like when you’ve been at home caring full time for your little ones and then SUDDENLY they’re both at school and you’re LOST? How can I find my drive and proactive energy to get through the hours I’m apart from them? I have always had all-consuming and demanding careers until I became a stay at home mummy 4 years ago.
The first time I was out of my parents’ physical reach I was truly on my own. Aged 6. I was to become the survivor, the soldier, the toughie (his words). I was Daddy’s number 1 ‘son’. I was groomed to follow in his footsteps from that moment forward.
It is one week and 2 days since I started taking full spectrum CBD oil. What a shock though to be hit between the eyes with the reality of the ying and yang of ‘me’ and what is is like to live with ‘me’, what it is to love and depend on ‘me’…with and without CBD.
CPTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) is a nasty piece of work. Getting away to the countryside for half term with the children was a mental mission!
It’s is easy to feel lost with CPTSD. With triggers going off around me most of the time it is a constant and exhausting battle to keep the show on the road.
The dilemma is as follows: how to be a peaceful loving mother to your children when your mother was toxic, never gave love, abandoned you from a very young age, abused you?